I wonder what I will miss

Kitchen "Help"

I wonder what I will miss someday...surely I will miss the paint on the car that was scraped off in a moment of chaos. The chaos of 4 enthusiastic kids who were allowed to shop at a garage sale, one dog happy to see her human, and my mind set on getting dinner on the table as it was already dinner time and the food hadn't made itself...and the fateful moment when someone (me? a kid? we'll never know) closed the garage door on the open van door. Yes I'll miss the paint, but will I miss the chaos?

Will I miss the Radio Flyer bike, always underfoot, either zooming around with a toddler on it or left right in the kitchen, right where I am going to step...pushing it away is futile, the front wheels are always left turned so, like a boomerang, pushing it away only causes it to roll right around, right back in to my space.

Will I miss the invasion of space when I have "my space" someday? An adult bathroom without toothpaste smeared on the towels, no pee on the floor, the counter-top wiped rather than left splattered?

Will I miss the pitter patter of feet in the morning? The pace that only children can manage to attain immediately upon wakening. Or books at bedtime? The books that are for children but somehow feel like endless novels to parents who just want to get kids in bed so they can clean up and accomplish two more tasks before heading to bed themselves? Or the sleeping kids strewn around the house? (yes ok I already love this one, sleeping kids are so sweet...and silly)

The lack of chaos, personal space, the uninterrupted morning quiet, the time I could spend "being productive." Do I value it all too highly? The structure, the productivity, am I focused on this too much and missing out now on enjoying what I will miss in the future? Yes. Maybe. And yet as parents I think we are all too often focused on trying to perform perfectly, second-guessing whether or not we enjoyed it enough, worried that we're not doing this right. Stressing ourselves so much we can't possibly enjoy ANY of it. Even the good things. I include myself in this some days. So honestly, I think I will miss the chaos and the noise, the toys and the energy level, but I think it's also ok to be bothered a bit by them. I'll try to slow down and enjoy the books, but I don't have to enjoy the toothpaste on the towels. I'll try to slow down and play with my kids, picking up their toys for them once in awhile but still teaching them that other people don't appreciate treasures strewn about the house. And someday, I'm sure I'll miss it, but for today, goodness let's avoid the garage sales and keep that paint on the car where it belongs!

"You need to blog again." "Post something, even just some pictures." "I want to hear about your life." I've been hearing it for awhile, and feeling it too. It's time to start again. But how to even begin when it's been so long? When so much life has passed? Do I summarize the last few years? Or start with today and move forward, as if that time will somehow remain a memory,  knowing full well my memories fade all too quickly? This blog, it's as much for me as for you, I want to remember this life, these seasons, the trials and the joys in years to come.

This morning I was up at 5:10am, it's how we roll around here. That hour and a half of calm before the storm, I can't bear to give it up! And it's farm life, right? (Not that I do my chores that early). This time of year is perfect, the sun is rising and the birds are already chirping...soon that sun and those birds will be up even earlier and we won't enjoy them quite so much. But for now, for this morning, it's lovely. I so enjoy looking out our many windows, the ewes and lambs grazing, the chickens beginning their morning strut around the fields, and Steve, our ram, already taking his morning nap. Soon the fields will be alive with the energy of four piglets, running, playing, eating, and then crashing out for naps of their own.

I work from home, still for the company I worked for in California. It's the perfect job. Not forever, but for now. Two days a week our incredible babysitter loves on our kids all day, making sure the bigs catch the bus from her house and return to her in the afternoon for a snack and playtime before I pick them up. Two days a week I am "Mom" for most of the day but furiously work away during afternoon naptime for the littles. Fridays I work in the morning for a few hours and during naptime as Daniel works four-10's and is home on Fridays. It's become quite a nice rhythm, mundane is good during this season. I shudder to think about how all the fun of summer vacation will affect our lovely little schedule but the beauty is, my hours are flexible and we'll be able to make anything work.

The serenity hour (and a half) is up and I hear stirring upstairs. I'll look forward to touching base soon and updating you on more about Royal Acres.

Reflect

Strange, but I feel like we started 2019 with a deep breath. A good breath. Looking at our schedules at the end of 2018 it would look like we hit the year running...and maybe we did...but we've prioritized and it has been good. 2018 was a year for community and I just love reflecting back over the past 12 months, seeing how that community has developed. New friends, solidifying relationships with old friends, getting to know teachers at school, continuing with dinners in my cooking club, deepening our engagement with families in the AWANA program, hosting a "Lifegroup" through our new church, implementing pieces of our farm plan, and establishing our place in the community...a place that we hope is welcoming and warm.

This year will be a year to reflect. Reflect on priorities, reflect who we want to be, reflect.

This year will be spent with less mindless survival more moments stopping, reflecting on where we were, where we are, and where we might go. I love that life has seasons. Sometimes you just "gotta get through" and sometimes you just have to be a bit "mindless" as a Mom...but not this year...this year I'm going to see things differently, deeper, more slowly...

And reflect...I hope that I reflect Someone greater, reflect love, reflect compassion, reflect grace...

Here we go, into 2019...albeit running...but with a cadence of peace...a cadence I can keep up with...a different cadence than before.