That's how the day started. Today we worked on the letter "B" we at blueberry bagels and blew up a BIG ball (yes, big enough to ride inside). I brought the 4's to their last day of Sports Camp at the community center and had some much-needed socialization with a friend while her two littles and my one little played...or took toys from each other...one of the two. I made three meals and two snacks. I tried to teach them to take turns and to share. I invited the neighbor and her kids over (probably more for me than for the kids'). I tended to my chickens and I took out the trash. I mediated and loved. I read a book (but not two). I worked with the preschool to deal with the stressful process of finding somewhere that both my biological and foster child can go. I communicated with the social worker. I'm sure I did more. I planned to ask my husband for help tonight, some help cleaning the house because I just couldn't do it all. But he was not feeling well and he needed rest. And he had already played with the kids while I set the table and he had already worked all day and read a bedtime story.
And do you know what? At the end of the day I was yelled at. I was screamed at. It sure would have been easier if I didn't make Capper go to the bathroom before he went to bed. It might have been easier if I let Evelyn do whatever she wanted. But I didn't. And it was hard. And Daniel was frustrated because by the time he gets home from work we are all tired and a little crabby. And I was frustrated because sometimes it feels like no matter how much I pour in, they still want more. It's never enough. And at the end of the day I sit. And I can sit and be frustrated (and sometimes I do). Or I can sit and know that I am enough. That I blow up at my kids sometimes. I act selfishly and I'm downright mean to my husband and my kids sometimes. But I am enough. I am doing the best I can and that is what they need.
All this isn't to tell you that I'm doing a perfect job. I'm not. All this isn't to seek your commendation. It isn't. But all this is to remind myself that I am doing my best. And one day I'll look back on these years and miss them. I almost miss them already watching these littles grow up before my eyes.