The Light Shines Through

It keeps coming back, this sense of being "bright" this year. This word that we chose as a family to help define us and our lives in 2015. How ironic that the year would hold such grief. Yet the light shines through.

As we started to look "normal" straight in the eyes, Daniel and I started to feel like now might be a good time for me to go back to work. As I thought about it I started to get overwhelmed and wanted to "hurry up and find a job" but every time I felt the anxiety creeping in I stopped and took a deep breath. God will provide. God always provides. God's timing is perfect. I updated my resume and began applying...and much more quickly than expected I had an interview! Here is what is amazing, after the interview the director of nursing emailed me. She referred to me as a "bright light." What an unusual thing to say after an interview. It felt like direct affirmation that God is continuing to use our lives to shine.

Milestones

On the day when many of my friends celebrated their child's last day of kindergarten...on the day when she would have smiled proudly at everyone during kindergarten graduation...on this day of milestones, I too celebrated one last time. I celebrated one last trip to Seattle Children's Hospital. One last appointment for Medical Record number 984839 (Oakland) or 1136875 (Seattle). Yes I have them memorized, yes we spent a lot of time in hospitals and a lot of time on the phone when I needed those numbers. This day of milestones, this day when I sat down and reviewed the autopsy results with her doctor...confirming what we had hypothesized and affirming that we made the right decision.

I know a lot of Moms out there feel ambivalent today: happy their son or daughter completed such an instrumental year in school but sad to see him or her grow up so quickly. I feel ambivalent too. I am happy knowing it's unlikely I will frequent children's hospitals again. Happy that my daughter was a fighter but when she and her body decided it was tired, the process happened quickly. Happy that my daughter is celebrating in heaven. And of course I am sad, I am sad that we didn't get to celebrate her kindergarten graduation together and sad that there are a MILLION things we never got to do that I'd envisioned. I am even a bit sad to know I won't be going to Children's hospitals anymore because there can be such camaraderie there.

So when I got home and the blood mobile was still parked in the center of town I walked in. And I gave blood, joyfully. Thankful that my pint of blood will be able to make a difference in someone's life when they need it most. Every time Anellah received a transfusion I thought of the people whose very body it had come from. And I silently thanked them. Today I hope my contribution will be as instrumental as the many units that we received over the years.

#RoyalSummerList2015

I guess "Summer Break" is kind of arbitrary now. We don't have a school year to adhere to right now, but nonetheless, I get excited about summer. I get excited about a change of pace. I get excited about our annual summer bucket list. Here's what's on it this year:

Assemble a Puzzle

Attend Swimming Lessons

Bake Bread

Bake Cookies

Barbeque

Boat at Lake Marcel

Bug for a Day

Camp at the Forest Theater

Catch Bugs

Celebrate Evelyn’s Birthday

Chip Apart A Giant Ice Cube

Climb at Preston Park

Color with Sidewalk Chalk

Create an Obstacle Course

Cushion Surf

Do Dot Art

Draw in Shaving Cream

Dress up

Eat at Chik Fil A

Eat Frozen Yogurt

Eat Homegrown Strawberries

Eat Peas from the Garden

Experience Tinted Vinegar and Soda*

Explode a Water Pinata

Explode Popsicle Stick Bombs

Explore Pike’s Place Market

Explore Volunteer Park

Fill and Toss Water Balloons

Fingerpaint

Finish the Library Summer Reading Program

Fish with Grandpa A

Get Family Photos

Go Bowling

Go on a Bike Ride

Go on a Hike

Go On A Rainbow Scavenger Hunt

Go to Camp Cov

Go to Fall City Days

Go to Hawk Creek

Go to Remlinger Farm

Go to the Library

Go to the Space Needle

Grow Pumpkins

Have a Backyard Campout

Have a Dance Party

Have a Family Movie Night

Have a Mom and Kids Camping Trip

Have a Park Picnic

Have a Pillow Fight

Have Dinner After Work With Daddy

Jump on the Trampoline

Light Fireworks

Make a Cereal Necklace

Make a Fort

Make BIG BUBBLES!

Make Champion Ice Cream

Make Firestarters

Make Footprint Art

Make Fruit Roll Ups

Make Glowstick Lanterns

Make Homemade Ice Cream

Make Jam

Make Paper Airplanes

Make Pizza

Make Popsicles

Make Root Beer Floats

Master somersaults

Meet the Fremont Troll

Paint Egg Carton Caterpillars

Pick Apples

Pick Blueberries

Pick Cherries

Pick Flower for a Bouquet

Pick Peaches

Pick Plums

Pick Raspberries

Pick Strawberries

Play Ames Lake

Play at Crossroads Splash Park

Play at Enatai Beach

Play at the Seattle Center Splash Park

Play Cars Monopoly

Put Pasta in Playdoh

Rest in the Hammock

Ride a Horse

Ride the Monorail

Run Through the Sprinkler

Scatter Anellah’s Ashes

Shop at the Carnation Farmers Market

Shop at the Issaquah Farmers Market

Shop at the North Bend Farmers Market

Slip N Slide

Slushies

Splash at the River

Splash in Wallingford Wading Pool

Stay in Pajamas All Day

Stick Pipecleaners in a Colander

Swing!

Take a Ferry

Visit Discovery Park and Lighthouse

Visit Snoqualmie Falls

Visit the “Secret Beach” in W. Seattle

Visit the Gum Wall (in Honor of Anellah)

Visit West Linn, OR

Watch a $1 Movie

Watch a Movie at the North Bend Cinema

Anniversary Day

The day she came home, I didn't even know how to put a onesie on frontwards!

Five years ago today Daniel and I drove to UCSF, walked in as a boring couple, and walked out as a blended family. Until the MOMENT we walked out the nurses kept asking, "are you really going to take her!?!" they had had so many potential foster parents back out at the last minute. We didn't understand the big fuss, "Yes! Why would we show up if we weren't?" Looking back I understand now, we had never been parents before. We knew she would require more than your average baby but we had nothing to compare her to. To us she was a baby who needed a home and a bit of medical care, we could provide both. Oh how gracious God was in keeping our vision so narrow! If we had known all the factors, seen all the ways that commitment would change our lives, known we would fall in love with her, adopt her, raise her as our own, and say goodbye all within 5 short years I am doubtful we would have accepted the challenge.

Five years later I sit here thinking of the many ways she rocked my world. Thinking of how powerful a single interaction with her could be. Thinking of how God used her to open my mind to different cultures, different values, different personalities. I am thinking of how I learned more about medicine from parenting her than I did in hours of studying for nursing school exams. I am thinking of all the lasting relationships that grew from parenting her, relationships with social workers, therapists, doctors, and teachers. I am thinking about how she saved me from insanity when Capper was a fussy baby and she was the only one who could make him smile. I am thinking of how she challenged my creativity every day and challenged me to find peace amidst chaos rather than organization. I am thinking of how I admired the fact that she had more patience than plenty of adults!

Looking forward, I wonder what the next 5 years will hold. Two months ago we thought we knew what direction our lives were headed. We had finally achieved our 4 year goal of moving back to Washington, we were "done" having babies, we were moving into a season of school-age children rather than babies and preschoolers, we were at peace with knowing we'd never travel with our children far from a major city, we'd never travel without our children far from them, and we'd never live out of the country. The next 5 years might be easy, they might be hard, they might have some unexpected surprises, they might be kind of boring, but based on past experience I am sure I will be able to look back 5 years from now and say, "WOW!" God had a plan for our lives and I'm glad we went with it.

Back to Reality

We had a great time in California at Anellah's second service. It was a special weekend of catching up with good friends and celebrating Anellah's life. Anellah's biological family was able to attend too. The event was so powerful and peaceful. As with her service in Washington, it was perfect.

Of course, another bounce house!

Anellah's Moms

After the service we spent Memorial Day weekend at a family camp with our former church family. It was an event we've attended every year since before Anellah came to live with us so it was such a blessing to be able to attend again! We thoroughly enjoyed being with friends and allowing the kids to play ALL DAY with their California buddies.

Last week we started to find our new groove. All services for Anellah are over and now we're settling in to our new normal. It's interesting because I feel like a "real" stay at home Mom now, just focused on our two kids and living life. No doctors appointments to coordinate and follow up, no prescriptions to refill, no insurance to deal with. So much of what I spent my time doing is no longer necessary. In some ways I feel like I have less time since Capper's playmate is no longer around but I'm trying to make sure he has time with other kids so I don't get burned out being a "playmate." Of course, we're still staying plenty busy but I think we are settling in well. The last two months have really helped us to focus on the importance of family and spending quality time together.