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Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Waiting for Montana

She has to see Sweetie once a month. It is the only time I get to ask questions and be in touch because I can't get a response through emails or by phone. So I wait until the month is almost over, and I know she will contact me to set up a "health and safety visit." Her social worker, Sweetie's "legal guardian" sees her once a month for 15-45 minutes. And then she is gone. It's not a great system, but it's the system we are in. Today I was able to confirm, Sweetie's plans have started to come together for her to move to Montana. The interstate contract has been established and one other form is in the works...but there are no updates on that piece.

I'm torn, I feel the hole beginning to form. I knew it would come but it doesn't really make it easier. Don't think that it means she will be moving this week or even in the next month, the social services system doesn't move that fast, but I think she WILL be moving. This has always been the plan, but then there was a hiccup and we began to think that she may not be able to live there...I dared to hope we might adopt her. Daniel and I agreed that if it came down to it, we would adopt her. Mentally I started to reform my thoughts of our future, of our family's future. Again, I started to feel that our family was complete. In my mind it would be best for her too, to stay here where she is attached rather than move again to essentially live with strangers, albeit technically relatives.

Of course life will be easier with "just two." I think I will look back and see one more time how God's timing is perfect. Maybe she will move just as we are getting busy with building the house. Our transition to a different house will be easier with a family of four instead of a family of five. But easier isn't always better. And thinking about her moving is hard. I know it's hard for her too, as her preschool mind tries to make sense of it all. Capper makes plans to "drive out and pick you up when I'm old enough to drive" so that they can visit. She just gets quiet.

As I mentioned, Sweetie and Capper do everything together, there will be a big hole when she moves. We will miss her and she will miss us. I struggle thinking about how she will feel and how she feels now. It is hard to live in limbo, but the longer she is here the more secure she feels. We have been in touch with her future parents, she talks to them and performs for them on Facetime. We all get along. Living with them is also a good option and I believe she will still do well there. But nonetheless it will be a big change for her. She will have to adjust to new routines, new surroundings, even new weather. How will Capper do? Will he have to grieve the loss of another sister? And myself, I try to trust in his statement that, "I know the plans I have for you..." (Jeremiah 29:11). I remind myself of the countless times I've looked back and thought, "Man I would not have done it that way, but God's plans were so much better than mine. Why did I doubt the process?"

So through the process we go. And for today we will have fun and live summer. And as for tomorrow, well it comes back AGAIN to, I will trust.

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