Every day countless people have asked, "How are you?" with genuine concern in their eyes. And although I know they think they are prepared for the answer, I'm not sure they really are. On Sunday when a couple asked, Daniel exclaimed, "Good!" It seemed startlingly enthusiastic. We talked about it afterward. I can't say that I am not affected by our daughter's passing but I can say that I am not reacting the way I would have expected. Yes, I cry. Yes I yearn to hear her laugh or look in her sparkling eyes and see that smile one last time. I long to see her and Capper sitting next to eachother holding hands or with their arms around each other. I even miss waking up exactly 2 hours after going to bed every night so that I can check her blood sugar and give her an extra "squeeze" as I promised before she fell asleep each night.
But we are also filled peace. We are filled with what Philippians 4:7 called "the peace of God which transcends all understanding." We are even filled with joy. A joy that comes from knowing Anellah had a beautiful life, that she had an intense impact on EVERYONE she ever met, and that she is no longer sick. The joy of being loved by two more little kiddos whose world doesn't stop even in the moments that I feel like the entire world should stop spinning and grieve with me. A joy that is contagious and comes from a 9 month old who doesn't know she is supposed to be sad right now.
Zechariah 9:12 refers to "prisoners of hope" and that is how I would characterize our family right now. There are moments when I long for Anellah and the way things were but I just can't shake this HOPE that we hold. This HOPE and confidence that God is present, that God is gracious, and that we are right where we are supposed to be right now. Thank you for your prayers for peace and comfort, you have no idea how clearly they are being answered!