Six Last Saturday

Saturday was six months. Six months since we came home to an unmade bed. Six months since we brought the Hello Kitty stuffie home with nobody to love on it. On Saturday it was six months since being a family of five.

A lot has changed in these few months. I've sought God a lot, wondering what His plans for our family are. A year ago I thought we'd be in our forever home by now,  filling it with our family and I'd be back to work at least part time. But we are here, in our temporary home, waiting for the county to do yet another expensive land study that we have to pay for in order to hopefully apply for building permits. I am back to work, but just a bit here and a bit there, spending time with kids jumped way up on the priority list. We aren't living as a family of five, we're thinking about what God might be leading us to though. We have finished all the paperwork, physicals, and four days of trainings to apply for our foster care homestudy. We are excited to see who God brings into our home and for how long.

To say I'm not grieved and disappointed about the revision of these dreams would be a lie. But I can honestly say that I am looking forward to the new dreams and desires God has placed in our hearts. I would love to be in our new house by now, but we are all completely content in this one and believe that God has a great reason for keeping us here.

Capper will have his last playtime with his grief counselor this week. Although this special time will be over he will always have the memory book that he and the counselor worked on together. A lot of us were worried about how Capper would cope with the loss of Anellah, they were very close, closer than many siblings. He has done so well, he still talks about her every day but he doesn't talk about her coming back. He seems to understand that she is gone forever and he had a great time with her and he will get to have a great time with her when he goes to heaven too. He doesn't ask to go to heaven and doesn't ask much about where she is now but definitely talks about their past experiences together and things she liked. I know, most people would say these concepts are too big for a three year old but however he is processing it, he seems to understand to the extent that he needs to.

We want to continue to honor Anellah and the way she contributed to who the four of us are today. We spread her ashes on Saturday, at our property where we plan to build so that she will forever be a part of that home although she will never get to live there. Daniel and I also started reading some of the memories we asked friends to write down at her memorial service. They were so beautiful and we will cherish them. It is incredible how quickly the memories fade but these written notes keep the memories fresh.

Waiting on the Call

Yesterday was mundane. I went to work, Daniel went to work. I messed up planning dinner and nobody liked it. I had to run to the store right before bedtime because we were out of milk. I didn't really get much done. But it was good mundane. I remember missing mundane when I was with Anellah day after day in the hospital. I just wanted our normal back. So here we are.

I did not intend to imply in the last post that we are currently waiting for a foster child to be placed with us. We have not even taken definitive steps to become certified in Washington yet. But we are thinking, and praying. God's plans always end up being so much bigger and better than mine. I just have this feeling that He's got something great up his sleeve and we are on standby, actively waiting to see what he throws at us. Living the mundane and being just fine with that. With only two kids we are able to do more. We are excited that our entire family can volunteer together to provide childcare for our church's special needs ministry every other month. I am able to go see some friends who recently became new Moms and (hopefully) encourage them that the first few months can be really hard and they'll survive! I am able to use my nursing skills to help family and friends here and there. We are able to host a fellowship group with four other families...

So we are thinking about becoming foster care certified, or possibly finding some foster families who need respite, or maybe something else entirely that hasn't even occurred to us yet. And that is where you come in. Will you pray for us that God will provide opportunity and direction? I'll keep you posted on how He answers!

Next Steps

Brushing my teeth tonight I looked at the framed photo. I remember the day...over three years ago...August 6, 2012...the day Anellah legally became our daughter. 100% Royal. I remember I was (as usual) running late, we needed to get moving in order to get into the city in time to make it to the courthouse and through security. My phone was receiving texts and I had a 7 month old who needed to nurse before we left. I remember glancing at myself in the mirror and thinking, "Well, why change? This is as good as it's gonna get" and then realizing there would be a photo or two so I better at least put on a clean shirt. I imagined our friends who were going to meet us at the courthouse in support of this decision, I imagined that Nicole was already ready with adorable perfect kids and waiting in the car for Marco while he did a bit of what I was doing...scrambling.

Nicole the Amazing

Daniel was ready so I put him in charge of Anellah, she was always the easy one. He could handle getting her into the car. I changed and did a quick once-over. Running out the door I went through my mental checklist, "phone, keys, contacts or glasses (yes I forget them sometimes), glucometer, glucose, glucagon, diapers" anything else we could "make do" without. And we were off.

And we adopted Anellah. And it was perfect. And Marco snapped my favorite family photo of the 4 of us, just in the courtroom hallway. Next to someone yelling on their phone because their experience hadn't quite been like ours. And I forgot that I'd almost neglected to put on a clean shirt. And that's how God works with us. We're a mess, but he can make beauty out of the mess.

So here we are again. When we chose to foster Anellah it was because we had an open room, we had a whole house and just two people to fill it! We've downsized now, less square footage but there's still more room for more. And we're still a mess (at least I am!) but there's still room for God's beautiful. So please pray for us as we consider the journey of becoming foster parents all over again...or if not foster parents some way to give, to love, to share this home with more littles.

366

Written September 2, posted today.

A couple days before leaving Oakland, everyone in their Oakland garb!

One year. 365 days since we arrived in Fall City, our new home. 366 days since we left Oakland, the place we'd grown from a young couple to a family of five. Days. Each day, getting up in the morning, learning that my life is a lot less about me than I could have ever imagined. Each night, the dreaded task of "bedtime" the dreaded task that I have finally learned to cherish. That I'd always told myself was the most important part of the kid's day but that I've finally learned to slow down and enjoy. The back rubbing. Promising Anellah I'd come back and give her another kiss after she fell asleep. And I always making good on the promise.

Last week eight hundred pages of paper went in our recycling bin. Eight hundred pieces of paperwork that Anellah doesn't need anymore. Adoption paperwork, school assessments and plans, medical paperwork...and this was after I had purged it before we moved a year ago. It's amazing how something so important can quickly become obsolete. It was another step in the process, part of moving on but also part of remembering and being thankful for what she doesn't have to deal with anymore.

Last night Capper prayed for her again. Prayed that God wouldn't let her get sick again. We've explained He won't, she can't get sick again. I think it's his way of telling God how much he misses her. He asked God last week to make sure she got the message that he'd made a birdhouse for her. A home for the birds in her honor.

You ask us how we are doing and we are doing well. Yes, we miss her. Yes we think about her every day and sometimes it is sad. But we aren't afraid to talk about her and think about all the GOOD memories. There has also been a whole lot of GOOD this past year both before and after Anellah's death. So many fun memories with Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins! Capper has grown from a little boy to what seems like a big boy to us! Evelyn has grown from a newborn to almost a toddler! We are enjoying those two, I'm struck by how sweet they are and how fun they are. We're looking forward to another year in this home, the home we were only going to rent for 12-15 months while building our house. Thanks to politics, our house isn't built yet but that's ok. We are cozy here and it's a beautiful location.

At the river in Fall City last week

A Berry Sticky Day

It's 5:40 in the morning and I'm looking at two and a half GALLONS of juiced blackberries gazing back at me with ferment...err contempt after being picked last night. They need to be used within the next eight hours or we will have blackberry wine on our hands instead of blackberry jam...but we don't have pectin...and the baby is already awake...and the three year old has VBS today...30 minutes away.

So I do what any ridiculous person would do, rather than throw away the free blackberries (granted they had already incurred quite a steep bill for labor between picking and juicing time) I put a plan into action. By 9:15am I have dropped Capper off at VBS and am purchasing $38 worth of pectin at the store, who knows, I might decide to do this project again someday...when I forget how much work it is. The baby naps on the way home and wakes as I drive into the driveway foiling my plans to accomplish anything while Capper is gone. I manage to wash and sterilize all my pint size and smaller jars along with enough lids and rims. And I do math! My middle school teachers could have created an entire lesson out of all the math I do...the recipe called for 4.5 cups of blackberry juice, but that included a cup of water, but then boiled for 5 minutes...so maybe I'll say it is 3.75 cups of pure blackberry juice. So I have to add .75 cups of water for every 3.75 cups of juice...but how many cups are in a gallon?? In the end I decide to add 4.5 cups of water, 6 boxes of pectin, and...well you don't want to know how much sugar. Let's just say I was glad I bought a bag of it at Costco on Saturday! Good thing I chose the "lower sugar" pectin or even my Costco bag would not have been enough!

Alarm going off! Forget the sugar it's time for the hour drive there and back to get Capper from VBS! Again, Evie takes a short nap in the car, ruining her second sleep of the day. But Capper is thrilled to have had another fun morning at sports camp so we get home and he eats, and I eat, and Evelyn eats again even though I've been feeding her all morning to keep her occupied.

OK I MUST get this jelly made or it will ferment. It's already starting to smell a bit like beer (forget that detail if you ever get any of it as a gift). I decide to let the kids tear apart the house and pull out just about every toy imaginable so I can boil water and jelly on the front porch because it's far too hot to be doing this job inside and heat the house. But of course I don't make it long before I have to intervene with the kids and rescue a crazy climbing one year old or help a three year old set up his Legos on the table so they don't be destroyed by the monster baby. Back to my boiling jam, I have to stir constantly for the next 10 minutes so I strategically set them up with toys I think will keep them occupied...but in the end the baby is crying because she is tired and Capper is crying because he tried to help her but tripped and slammed his ear into the corner of the picnic table and I can't stop what I'm doing because I'm trying to guard the area surrounding the open flame of an outdoor stove. And my shoulder is aching from stirring with a normal spoon in a 6 gallon pot without a stepstool.

10 minutes are done, I pay Capper his two nickels I promised when I asked him to go inside and get me a wet washcloth to wipe the sticky blackberry mess off my hands before touching the baby. The reward helps him start to feel better, Evelyn gets her blankie and gets put back in bed because clearly she needs a nap. Nope, evidently it's hard to go to sleep when you create the biggest load in your diaper. Maybe I should limit her plum intake. Time to change the sheets! 

Well, the nap never happened but I've gotten a couple batches done, some of it while the kids play inside, some of it while they play outside. Boil empty jars, fill jars, wipe rims, boil filled jars. Burn myself with hot water plenty during the process.

Oops! The grief counselor is here to play with Capper, is it really 3:30 already??

I've canned before. Every time I think, "That wasn't so hard? Why are people so intimidated by canning?" I get it now. Those people must try to do it with kids helping.

The day is done, I have one last batch to boil. Capper wants to go on a walk and I agree because he's hasn't had much of my attention today. It's going well and I've prepped him with the fact that we need to turn back when my alarm goes off. The alarm. We turn around. He crashes. He cries. He insists on WALKING his bike the rest of the way home. 

Too long, one jar exploded in the water. Oh well, glad my piece of glass is in the bottom of the canner now and not earlier. Glad my water is filthy now and not earlier.

And then I hear it...CLICK! The satisfying pop of sealing lids. And it seems worthwhile. Those jars full of crimson delight. I can't wait until morning when I toast a piece of bread and slather fresh blackberry jam on top! If only we had bread...maybe I should bake some!

Evelyn Turns One

This gorgeous creature turned one year old yesterday! What a year it has been!

From this

To this

We celebrated by inviting family for carnitas, blackberry lemonade, and white cake with blackberry filling. I can't take credit for much of the cooking or cleaning, and I had to try the frosting recipe twice since the first batch came out looking like ricotta cheese but all in all I'd say it was a perfect first birthday party.  Happy Birthday Evelyn!

New Job

The smell of my fresh latte. The cloud-like foam and deep richness of espresso. Between going back to work and a teething baby, it feels like a long time since I enjoyed my coffee alone, just the sunrise and I. Just quiet. Reflecting. Reflecting on conversations from yesterday, conversations with my patients. Thinking about the look when I tell them I won't be back tomorrow, but the way it changes when I tell them I only work part time so I can be home with my little ones. The depth of their "thank you" for a day well served. For a day of passing medications, and changing sheets, and cleaning messes, but more than that, from a day of just listening. 

The openness of a patient with a nurse, because there's something about being a nurse that makes people trust you. Yesterday I walked into the hospital talking to God, reminding myself that this is worship, this work is worship, this life is worship. I walked out with such a richness, such an affirmation that this is the job for me right now. Yes, patient, I hear what you are saying, tears well in my eyes as you grieve over missing your grandchild's wedding because you are stuck in a hospital bed. I may not have been sick myself but I know what the disappointment feels like, missing something because you are stuck in the hospital. Yes, patient, I hear you when you tell me about the loss of your husband when your three children were only teenagers. The pain you felt on your children's behalf as they grieved the loss of a loved one. My story is not exactly the same as yours but I know what you mean when you tell me your faith has brought you through. I see how your faith has given you a reason to have joy in the midst of sorrow. 

Not every day goes this way, there are plenty of times when patients are angry or feel like their call light is never answered, or I when I want to hear their story but four other patients need their morning medications. There are plenty of moments when I feel pulled too many directions, frazzled, and rushed. But even on those days, there is such an affirmation, a feeling that this is the right job, the right one for me, for right now. Working one to two days a week, still plenty of time at home, and just enough time at work to really appreciate the opportunity. 

Colossians 3:23-24 "Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men...It is the Lord Christ whom you serve."