It's taken me a week to sit down and write this, not that I haven't had time, but rather it's taken that long to sort out my feelings about the situation. Last Monday Anellah had three appointments in San Francisco at UCSF. My AMAZING friend, Nicole, offered to watch Capper so that just the two of us could go. I didn't even ask her to! I was dreading two things 1). Anellah having to put up with waiting rooms, doctors examinations, listening to Mommy and the doctors talk, and blood draws 2). What new information I might learn. Two of the three appointments went well and didn't include any real surprises. One appointment, however, left me frustrated and confused.

She was referred to the UCSF Hepatology (liver) Department from Children's Hospital Oakland where she had been being seen for her liver problems. Part of her genetic syndrome includes Hepatic Fibrosis (injury to the liver). Children's said they wanted continuity of care between those managing her liver and her endocrinologist. I hoped this didn't mean they were suspicious her condition was anything other than stable. I'm not sure what the rationale really was but the new Hepatologist, after reviewing her information, told me "sit down, we have a lot of talking to do" and proceeded to explain that he feels her liver condition is progressive. He feels she will either need a liver transplant or major surgery in the future, it's just a question of when. He had us schedule an ultrasound and liver biopsy to be completed within the next month and gave explicit instructions about her care (watch for bleeding, protect her from trauma to the abdomen, etc.)

Of course this is just another thing in the series of medical treatments and procedures Anellah will be experiencing for her entire life. But it resurrected a lot of the questions that I struggle with (some of them selfish questions) as I love this little girl. Questions such as:

• When will the new diagnoses end?
• How often will she be hospitalized? (So far it's been a few times a year)
• What will her health look like by the time she is an adult?
• What can we do now to give her the brightest possible future?
• Will she ever be able to live a "normal" adult life?
• Will she ever be privileged to experience parenthood?
• How will this affect our family?
• How much will we spend on medical appointments, missed work, transportation, parking...?

I suppose every parent has to grabble with the fact that their child's future is uncertain and out of their control. I keep reminding myself that there is absolutely nothing I can do to reverse the genetic mutation that is in Anellah's DNA, it is part of who she is! I also keep reminding myself that God has such an amazing plan for this little girl, He already displays pieces of it every day. Without the circumstances she has lived through, I have no doubt she would not be the same sweet child she is today. This morning at church there was another girl who was hesitant to participate and Anellah gently put her arm around her and walked her around the Toddler Room to show her all the toys, I'm pretty sure God is going to use that big heart in some big ways some day.

AND...as I wrote this Capper just rolled over for the first time.

Capper is 3 Months Old

3 months old, that's a quarter of a year already! He is doing all sorts of new baby things these days.

When we put him on his back with toys above him he will reach for them and even successfully grabs them sometimes! He is very curious in his surroundings and was even trying to grab the cap to a bottle today during tummy time. He's making different cooing sounds as he experiments with his voice.

He has also become a more predictable napper. At night he wants us to put him to bed rather than stay up and be held, how awesome is that? I just put him to bed and a lot of the time he falls asleep on his own, other times I have to go up and give him his pacifier but all in all bedtime is pretty easy. The rest of the night is a different story now that I've gone back to work. He wants to make up for his time away from me by nursing all night since he's not a big fan of bottles and only eats enough to get by during the day. I'm sure he'll get used to it though...things are bound to change now that I've typed this.

Isaac and Capper

Capper is enjoying spending time with his little Buddy Isaac who is 6 weeks younger than him. Isaac comes to our house on Mondays and Tuesdays while his Mommy is at work and I bring Capper to his house on Thursdays and Fridays. It is SUCH a blessing to be able to have a set up like that! When they're a little older I think they may even keep each other company. On Monday afternoons Anellah is here too and she loves having Isaac around. It makes her feel special when she gets to help with the babies and she talks about how there are "two babies" and "one Nella."

Bye Bye Buddy

This is Buddy.

He helped us drive our moving truck from Texas to California.

He likes to jump...

...and play.

But sometimes it's so exhausting...

that he just needs to kick back...

and get a manicure.

He likes to go on vacations.

He's an excellent babysitter...

and an excellent co-worker when he gets to come to work!

But most of all he's just a good dog. Buddy Crimefighter Royal, he's been an excellent pet. He's had his moments of being a terror but overall he's been pretty great. He's the most affectionate pet I've ever had, for sure which is why it's time for him to move on. Our home has been lacking Buddy-directed affection lately and we've found a perfect new home for him with a couple who live just 10 minutes away. She wanted a "bully breed" and he grew up with boxers, so Buddy (a pittbull/boxer mix) is a great fit. Not only did they come visit him here, Buddy and I visited them in their home too. He's moving in with his new parents tomorrow.

So long faithful friend, I'm glad you'll get some more attention and I'm glad our floors won't have nasties tracked in from the back yard constantly. Oh and I look forward to dog-sitting you when your new parents go out of town.

Every Day's a New Day!

I am so thankful that every day we get to start over. As I told my friend yesterday, "Today is an, 'I really am TRYING to be a patient and fun Mom' kind of day." I woke up this morning with the opportunity to start over and since my kids are young they don't hold grudges when I get impatient, for them every MOMENT is new.

Anellah still LOVES her new preschool and loves riding the bus too! (Yes, that's me in my pajamas) Her teacher is great and says that she is "very loved" by her peers.

................ And that's as far as I got writing this post before I was interrupted by a baby who had been fussy for three days. How can this guy be unpleasant though?

Bouncing Capper in the Moby wrap while trying to type...this was minutes before he broke that necklace

And there are some breaks, like when Anellah decides to "read" to Baby Capper.

Well, that's all for now, time to go pick this crazy kid up!

First few days at the REAL preschool

Working hard at Playdoh spaghetti

Yesterday and today, Anellah and I attended preschool. It's been fantastic. It's definitely a preschool environment as opposed to Early Head Start which felt more like daycare. At Early Head Start she was one of the oldest in her class but she is the youngest in her new preschool class. It is perfect for her because she is rising to the occasion and working hard to keep up. The other kids have also been very sweet to her and multiple kids came and gave her hugs when she walked into the room this morning.

I am so happy with the new school. Her teacher, Ms. Kelly is very fun, organized, caring, and takes everything in stride! It's been a complicated process because not only do Anellah's diabetes needs need to be addressed she falls into a strange loophole in that she qualifies for the class based on her IEP but not based on her age. She is the first child to enter this relatively new program under 3 1/2 years old so nobody really knows what to do. Her teacher has been extremely proactive in finding out answers for me. In fact, every single faculty member I have met at the school has been exceptionally warm and helpful. I am ashamed to say I had much lower expectations for an OUSD school campus in a low income neighborhood!

I'm also excited about the nurse assigned to be with her during the day, her name is Nellie. She is young, sweet, flexible, and a quick-learner. She has experience with insulin pumps and definitely seems comfortable helping Anellah. Her sole responsibility is diabetes management as she is hired by the school district through an outside agency so she is not responsible for helping in the classroom in any other ways. It definitely makes for a much safer environment because she won't be distracted when giving insulin! I can't believe Anellah is so fortunate to have her full attention throughout the day!

Looking forward to all that our big preschooler is going to learn between now and summer break.

Brushing teeth on her first day of school

Our Little Lady Turns Three

I typed this awhile ago but kept forgetting to post it! Here it is finally!

Sunday, March 11th, Anellah turned THREE years old. It was interesting and somewhat magical how suddenly she became a big girl overnight. I’m not even kidding, she’s more interested in potty training (thanks to one of her three year old friends giving her “big girl undies” for a gift), she has been super brave at doctor appointments, she has her first chore (feeding the dog twice a day), and she can follow multi-step instructions. It’s amazing.

Her Mom and some other family members came too

Her party was also…amazing…chaotic…exciting…messy…you get the picture! I suppose even in California you can’t count on the weather to cooperate when planning an outside event. What I had originally planned as a “small” gathering of her friends turned into a house full of 17 kids and their parents. She is so popular that everyone we invited came except one family! I am so glad everything turned out just the way it did though because she had a BLAST and I think everyone who came had fun too. It was also a great chance for a couple of her Mom’s friends and family members to see her.

Ladybug Craft Project

Live ladybug release after the party (when the sun finally came out)

2 Months

I meant to post this yesterday but it didn't happen, so here it is a day late.

Someone stole my newborn and replaced him with a 13 pound chubby baby! What happened? The past two months I have enjoyed watching this little guy learn about his new world. He is spending more time awake during the day and has started to take things in, I can tell he’s processing. If we smile at him he’ll smile back and even laugh sometimes. I wish I could catch the laugh on video but I never want to interrupt the moment to grab a camera. He spends less time eating now and only wakes up to nurse at night twice (on good nights) to four times (not so good nights). The thing I love the most though is holding him after he’s eaten, he tucks up his legs, stretches up his arms, and nuzzles his head into my neck  100% relaxed and content.

I still have almost a month of maternity leave left which I am savoring. When I do return, it will only be 2 days/ week which I am thankful for. It has been a huge blessing to spend time with my kids and, it’s strange to say, get to KNOW them. I feel like I know Anellah better now than I did 6 months ago when I was busy with work, her doctors appointments, her surgery, etc. Life right now is still really busy as I make arrangements for the new preschool,  get caught up with doctors appointments for Anellah which I avoided during the months of  December, January and February, try to finish things before heading back to work, try to keep up with my growing kiddos, etc. but I remind myself every day that it’s a different kind of busy. This is a special time and I will never again have these moments with our kids.